This has been in my drafts for 6 years now but it could have been written today because everything in it still resonates. I’m posting it now so it’s easier to find when I no doubt will feel similar again in the future.

“This is my apology to friends who have sent me messages recently that I either haven’t replied to yet or that took me a very long time to reply to… I’ve been in hiding mode.

For the long apology read on. For the short apology: I’m so sorry, I’m trying to pull myself out of hiding and catch up with you all.

My closest friends will probably recognise that I do this every now and again. I’ll suddenly be even more crap at replying to messages than normal – sometimes it’s weeks or months before I respond. Or I’ll not make plans with you, or make it out the house to meet up if we do. And I want to say I’m truly sorry for when I do that; I genuinely love and appreciate your friendship but I’ve gone into hibernate mode and hidden myself away.

• Sometimes I hide away because I’m mentally and physically exhausted and just getting up and surviving the day is all I can achieve.
• Sometimes I hide because I don’t know how to answer the inevitable question of ‘what have you been up to?’
• Sometimes I hide because I’m overwhelmed with things to do yet I can’t seem to work out where to start.
• Sometimes I hide because being in the real world surrounded by people reminds me that in my world I feel alone.
• Sometimes I hide because I’ve just lost interest in everything for no reason and I don’t want to bring anyone else down.
• And sometimes I haven’t worked out the reason why, it just happens.”

What I want you to know:

If I’m rubbish at replying to your message, or I haven’t seen you in ages, please know that I do love you and I’m grateful for your friendship but I’m probably in hiding for one or more of the reasons above until I sort my own head out and I hope you understand.